My friend is dead and gone. No matter what we do we are not going to get her back. But we could have prevented this by taking cognisance of vital signs of things going amiss.
All that glitters is not perfect.
So we beat on. Boats against the currents, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Recently, the nation was caught in a debate on women’s safety post the Thomson Reuters Foundation report naming India as the most unsafe country for women in the world, which is a revelation of sorts, considering we are supposed to have surpassed countries infamous for women’s rights and gender justice. The study may be exaggerated, as some say, however, we cannot negate the fact that India has glaring loopholes regarding healthcare, access to economic resources, customary practices, sexual violence, non sexual violence and human trafficking.
A few years ago, world leaders had vowed to eliminate all kinds of violence and discrimination against women and girls by 2030, allowing them to live freely and safely and let them participate equally in political, economic and public life. Despite the intentions, it’s estimated that roughly one in three women globally experiences physical or sexual violence during her lifetime.
Critics brushed off the Reuters report saying that it was politically motivated. After all, women in Afghanistan can no way be better off than women in India. But as I write this in a pensive mood, a proverb comes to mind—all that glitters is not gold. All that one sees or perceives to be might not be that in reality. Are fashionable, beautiful, successful women equally susceptible to physical abuse as village and small town women? Are women in big cities really all that liberated and safe from harm as they claim to be.
The answer is a resounding “no”.
A few days ago, the Supreme Court of India gave the landmark judgement of sending all the four accused in the Nirbhaya case to the gallows. However, despite the reality of “capital punishment” looming large, crimes against women continue unabated and men mostly go scot free and criminals remain at large.
As I write this, I remember a dear friend I recently lost—a classmate of mine from Lawrence School Lovedale, Ooty. Due to alleged “intimate homicide” two weeks ago, a young and promising life was cut short, that of my beautiful friend Anissia Batra. She was fiercely independent, headstrong and successful, yet a sword of Damocles hung over her head—the fact that she was still unmarried at the age of 37. Even if her single status didn’t matter to her broad minded parents or her loving brother Karan, it mattered to society, a lot. It can be challenging being at the receiving end of constant spinster shaming—those grim reminders of inadequacy until one achieves one’s perceived notion of “perfection”, which is to get married and have babies. The other achievements are insignificant. If one is not married off, Indian society will not allow one to breathe.
My friend was definitely not a loser, least of all suicidal, or someone who could be cowed down.
Anissia’s father and my father were colleagues in the Army—both were colonels—while we were growing up. So vacations back home, away from the rigours of boarding school life meant cycling together in the cantonment of MHOW, or simply, a stroll in the park. Anissia was bold and was not afraid to speak her mind.
That’s why it came as a rude shock to me when my brother, Omar, called me up while I was in Mumbai, gasping for breath at the thought of what he was going to tell me: “Your friend Anissia has committed suicide.”
Everything went downhill from then the entire evening, as I messaged my batch-mates from Lovedale trying to reconfirm our worst fears. More validations started pouring in from social media and other sources. Our worst fears were coming true as we started putting the pieces together in the jigsaw puzzle.
Here was our school friend who was chatting with us in our school group two days ago, making plans of cycling from Vietnam to Cambodia during Diwali break; why would she even think of jumping to her death suddenly?
She was alive and well and putting up posts of strength and perseverance, as she struggled to cope with a doomed relationship. Penning notes to herself was probably her attempt to keep swimming against the tide—boat against the current. Why would she dream of taking her own life?
Next day, more gory details started to emerge as we learnt from Anissia’s family that the so called “suicide” that the media was talking about was allegedly a “murder”, as stated by her brother Karan and parents.
I am not going to try and stitch the chain of events of this tragic incident as there are enough Google feeds on it already. And despite my writing this piece, I might not get the closure to a lot of questions I myself have. However, something should prick our conscience as we ponder why a beautiful, educated and liberated career woman would stick to an abusive marriage where her physical and emotional senses are assaulted on a daily basis. But then one cannot be oblivious to the stressful sociological impact our culture can have on a marriage. So, despite having it all, an educated liberal woman still wants to be the archetypical Bharatiya Nari who has been taught that her husband should always be on a pedestal, that the pati is indeed Parmeshwar, so what if he’s a serial abuser, an alcoholic, a con artist and a wastrel?
Lyrics from the recent hit Bollywood movie Raazi, betiya jo behaiye jaye, peeche murti nahin hai sadly holds true even in today’s so called modern progressive era. Come what may, marriages must work, as the institution of marriage is sacrosanct. Despite a bad marriage, my friend put up a silent and stoic face and tried her best to make it work, until she had exhausted her energies of being in a volatile relationship. Having decided to end her marriage a few months ago, she was consulting divorce lawyers when the unfortunate incident took place.
Which brings us again to the question, what is it about a marriage that even if one is broken inside one portrays a different picture on social media, such as images of over the top PDAs? What is this pressure to portray an ideal life?
My friend Anissia was a victim of social media perfection, so much so that none of us knew that she was in an abusive and violent marriage all through the past two and a half years.
Pictures are everywhere in the media of her injured wrist and arms. This angers and saddens me to no end. I know my grieving for her will not get her back. However, my grief can be used to give voice to a movement to speak up against domestic violence and try to end the stigma of broken marriages.
Anissia’s only hamartia, fatal flaw, was that she never spoke up, never shared her pain with us, never let us know that she was suffering, all the while she posted on social media the “loved up” pictures of her husband who’s alleged to have killed her.
Studies show that one in three female homicide victims are killed by someone they had an intimate relationship with.
Intimate partner homicides are a reality the world over and they occur in the intimacy of the home where the extent of external social control is limited. Increasing cases of violence against women are coming to light and it’s time we sought out additional knowledge between victims and offenders. Intimate homicide incidents involve current spouses, ex spouses and live in partners. The circumstances of intimate homicide are complex and a degree of subjective judgement may be passed both by the police and the investigating agencies.
One way to analyse a homicide incident is by combining information about its location and related circumstances. Studies have shown that 67% of intimate homicide cases are the result of altercations of a domestic nature occurring at the victim’s home or somewhere close.
By its own admission, an intimate partner homicide makes any policy intervention difficult, and it’s time India woke up to this form of injustice meted out to women. My friend is dead and gone. No matter what we do we are not going to get her back. But we could have prevented this by taking cognisance of vital signs of things going amiss: one always leaves behind signs that manifest themselves in different ways—the unwillingness to talk about it, yet posting pictures on Instagram of starting afresh, the sudden disappearance of pictures of one’s spouse are alarming and yet none of us want to appear nosey.
Perhaps with this story we can encourage women to speak up about domestic abuse and violence. Perhaps Anissia speaking up could have saved her life. Unfortunately, none of us knew. It all looked so perfect, but then that’s what social media has always been about—where one puts best foot forward and where one is not allowed to stumble or fall.
Saira Shah Halim is an educator and a civil and human rights activist who is actively involved with causes like gender equality and women’s issues.