An online group for women in my city recently piqued my curiosity. I’ve been a silent observer for a while now, mostly seeing posts about sourcing return gifts (as cheap as possible, but they must look expensive!) or someone wanting the same sari they saw a celebrity wear, along with some jokes and puzzles. Occasionally, there are posts seeking advice about a husband who’s grown distant—responses ranging from ‘he must be having an affair’ to ‘work pressure’ or even ‘black magic.’
One recent post, which sparked a lot of interesting comments, was from a woman seeking help dealing with her daughter and daughter-in-law. She has a good job that she enjoys and has been living independently since her husband’s death. Her daughter and son live separately, both with young children. All four spouses are focused on their careers, and they’ve asked her to quit her job and take care of their children while they work.
She doesn’t want to do it, and her refusal has strained their relationship. The younger women accuse her of being selfish and uncaring. I wasn’t surprised by their reaction—we are a highly entitled lot in India and expect others to solve issues that we, in many cases, have helped create.
What did surprise me were the responses from the group members. Almost all of them unequivocally supported the woman’s decision. There was none of the usual preaching about sacrificing for family, or ‘they’re your grandchildren, after all,’ or ‘if a mother doesn’t help, who will?’. Instead, they encouraged her to stand firm and not be guilted into giving in to their demands.
I presume the woman is in her late 50s or early 60s and is financially independent. I imagine she appreciates that, for the first time in her life, she can do exactly what she wants without having to consider anyone else. The years spent being a wife and mother, while fulfilling, can also be sapping. The desires of the husband and children—what they want to eat, where they want to go—often take priority. She’s now having the time of her life and it’s not surprising that she’s resisting being shackled again.
I was chuffed to see the group solidly supporting her bid for independence. It also got me thinking about why children grow up thinking they are more important than their parents.
At a family dinner, I noticed that there was pasta with the ubiquitous white flour sauce and tomato sauce but not basil pesto. I remarked that I know the hosts like it as do I and a couple of other people there. The hostess responded, “I didn’t order it because none of them like it”, indicating her children. When I asked aloud ‘What about us’, she didn’t respond, and and I noticed some surprise on the faces of the younger people.
Whether they are small children or young adults, why should decisions always revolve around their preferences? When mothers (or fathers) constantly prioritise the wants of their children over everyone else’s, the children grow up expecting the same treatment from the world. And fully expect their parents to upturn their lives to care for grandkids. As the women endorsing the troubled grandmother’s right to say no have pointed out, who’s going to look after their babies is something young couples have to figure out before getting pregnant.
The times they are a ’changing, baby, and grandma and grandpa don’t want to be stuck at home changing diapers. Today’s grandparents are more interested in attending rock shows than playing rock a bye baby. Each generation is entitled to live their own lives. After all, YOLO, right? PS: I reserve the right to be a besotted grandma who will hog the baby to myself when the time comes.
Sandhya Mendonca, author, biographer, and publisher, casts a female gaze at the world in this column.