The morality police had a field day about the choices of the two women in Uttar Pradesh, upbraiding them for being selfish and abandoning their children for a lover.
From time immemorial, the sight of an older man with a much younger female spouse or partner hasn’t bothered most people. If anything, they congratulate the lucky chap. If the man is married, the spurned wife either sucks it up and stays on in the marital home or is cast out, with or without children in tow. In either case, she’s expected to be a saintly homemaker and self-sacrificing mother. Two recent instances when women eloped with younger men have sent this narrative into a tailspin. These were not cougars cruising urban clubs. One woman eloped with her daughter’s fiancé and the other left her husband, three kids and religion for another man. Also noteworthy is that both happened in Uttar Pradesh, a traditionally patriarchal state.
Anita, a forty-something resident of Aligarh, eloped with Rahul who was engaged to be married to her daughter, Shivani. For the bride-to-be the unkindest cut was that the duo had made away with cash and jewellery set aside for the wedding. The forlorn fiancée longed not for the return of the runaway mother or fiancé but the money and gold! Anita’s shell-shocked husband Jitendra Kumar told reporters that he had heard that during the last three months Rahul would speak to the to-be mother-in-law for long hours instead of with his fiancée. Though suspicious, he didn’t voice his objection as he didn’t want to spoil the wedding plans.
In the other incident Shabnam, about 28, a twice-married mother of three in Amroha, walked out of her home to live with Shiva, a 17 year old 12th class. News agencies reported excitedly that Shabnam had divorced her first husband before marrying the second one. They had three kids that she left behind. The cliff-hanger – she was a Muslim while her lover was a Hindu in a state that had a strict anti-conversion law. While the lovestruck couple expressed their intent to get married, the families were at loggerheads. The matter was brought before the Panchayat which in an incredibly welcome decision declared that the two could do as they wished. Shiva’s father supported his son’s decision. This allowed Shabnam to divorce her husband (who had been rendered an invalid by an accident) and marry Shiva. Shabnam also converted to Hinduism and became Shivani (meaning follower of Shiva). What an unexpected turn of events!
I couldn’t help contrast these cases with the southern film star who chose to stay single and devote her life to her children while the ex, a big movie star and politician, remarried and had another kid. She’s quoted as saying, ‘As an individual, I think I should have a lover, a marriage, and a life. But when I consider it from the children’s perspective, I can’t.’ It made me wonder about the choices we make. Do women (and men) owe it ourselves to lead a full life or do we continue to lead lives of self-sacrifice for the sake of others? Can we claim agency without guilt? In the end, these are individual choices.
The morality police had a field day about the choices of the two women in Uttar Pradesh, upbraiding them for being selfish and abandoning their children for a lover. That made me think how old those two women would have been when they got married – considering their current young age, they were very likely child brides without any say over the choice of their grooms. They probably found no pleasure in the marriage or the forced sex that led to the birth of their children. I would assign them no blame at all for seizing the chance to experience pleasure, love and happiness when it unexpectedly came their way; society and duty be damned. I was glad to see other people on X (Twitter) noting the women’s right to make their choices without judgement.
Anita’s husband had been living in Bengaluru for business for a long time and it makes me think that she was a neglected wife in the prime of her life. After they eloped, Jitendra reportedly spoke to Rahul who told him ‘You have troubled your wife for twenty years, now forget her.’ I hope she fares well with Rahul. Shabnam’s and Shiva’s relationship might have taken a different turn had their religions been flipped but let’s set that aside. For the time being, let’s heed the Bard and say, “Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments.” – Sandhya Mendonca, author, biographer, and publisher, casts a female gaze at the world in this column.
Sandhya Mendonca, author, biographer, and publisher, casts a female gaze at the world in this column.